Smashing Hamsters

a summons request, like forty two seventy, a side bar reacts seven teen failed ram and said I gotta shell and staff a filler jag and stuck a milk and pill to gave your scroll to have nine seven four my g_d mango, stop me from tellin my story, I need some help, or do, I? need something stuck in my foot, a jab and straighten your face my dear, you know you want it. I have heard that before, and you know, it's all too familiar, I swear it. G_d. Somebody love me. because I don't think i love myself enough.

I woke up this morning fine and dandy. I got dressed and went downstairs, started making breakfast; eggs and toast, the usual. I briefly thought about Kim, then Leanne and Zachary, and started to cry. Not full out crying tho. I think I was a little overwhelmed with loneliness. I don't know how this connects to my following decision, but it does. I was depressed for the morning as I wondered why I felt this way.

 

I dunno.

 

The world is a big place, I see. So I think in liu of wanting to meet new people, develop a larger circle of associates, maybe even find the rest of my life, I want to travel. I want to at least go to Germany still. I've wanted to do that for a few years. But I want to check out Russia and Czech Republic/Slovak. In Czech, I hear that I'll find the English-speakers in Prague, for the most part, so that's a good place to start. Maybe do some backpacking. My neighbors lived there, so they're a good reference to find out what I need. I have a friend in Germany so I could go there too and know at least one person that could help me along. As for Russia, maybe I can wing it.

 

Anyways, my goal is by the time I'm 30, or even before, I hope I can save up enough to go comfortably for a month at least. Until then, I have a lot of planning to do, though it would be nice to go right now.

 

my dream was more like resident evil, where, instead of an entire city or more being zombified a la dawn of the dead, it was more of a contained complex, or secluded town that got infected. Sometimes my dreams are located in one of a few towns, mostly in wilderness, hilly fields of grass and rock, a large dark forest, a gigantic, wide waterfall that equals impending doom, a network of caves within a hill in the desert all these different places in my dreams, i believe, are all part of the same world, just different areas that I have actually connected a couple together (there are haunted buildings and creepy wolf-creatures and, of course, zombies) almost all the dreams that i remember involve zombies. There was this one dream i had about 6months to a year ago. Me and some friends (you just know they are your friends, but no one specific) were essentially trapped in this complex, and I can still picture it quite clearly. Light gray walls and I vaguely recall a red line running vertically about 1/4 way up the wall there were hallways, alcoves and a LOT of doors some glass doors, some solid and a courtyard and you could see that there were places we needed to get to, that we didnt know what was where, but we needed to get to the other building at least. there were, however, zombies like resident evil, so they're pop outta nowhere and the lights arent on in every room right im not sure but it seems like it happened, but there was a room that was really dark brown and old, with brown or green curtains. there was a hint of green in the brown of the curtains with an old desk, there was a bit of light coming in thru the window, but im not really sure. in the first dream a while ago there was a room that was acessible, it had lock controls for the glass doors, which were required to open to get across the courtyard to the other building.

 

Like most, I can't remember all details. Setting is a mall, reminds me of Canwest mall (Langford, Victoria, BC). Some aspects of the mall make connection to previous dreams. Anyways, where I remember from, I was walking thru one end and ran into an old school mate. Given the impression that this person was never my friend, just an associate. Telling me that my good friend Dan is going to get shot over some marijuana thing. My response, knowing that  I did not want to get involved as I'd get shot too, was to play ignorance and try make it to Dan before he got confronted. I had to get to the other side of the mall. So, I'm in what appears to be an underground parking lot of the mall (reference to previous dreams where the parking lot resembled a large elevator shaft under construction, possibly inhabited by zombies), and I have to make it to these red gumball machines first, I don't know why. A tall man with gray hair and I believe a gray suit walks up to me and offers me a ride to where I gotta go. Being in a dream, I say yes (as one end of a mall to another can take 5 mins to 5 million years to trek, in a dream). So we get in his car and drive. Setting changes fast from mall to hilly road thru desert mountains, near water (though I didn't see the water, I knew it was close). His car was automatic, and the gear shifter was a transparent orange plastic. He was driving us over hills at I would assume 300+ mph (as we were literally flying at times). I remember the man said something about coming over the crest of the hills blind. We went over another hill even faster, and when we launched we were spinning. Landed on the shoulder and went into a ditch facing the direction we came from. The road hooked around to the right. The fellow said something to the effect of "they're blocking off the road because of a 21 point turn". At that point I noticed a couple cars that were coming around, pull off to the side of the road. The man revved the engine and we launched ourselves outta the ditch, turned around and started driving fast again. I looked back and saw a big rig had turned to block the road and the driver was walking within view (wearing a white jacket) as we were leaving. Next scene we were driving into town, long lines of traffic. As we were coming up to a right turn lane a gold Porsche 944 cuts os off. The man says something like "don't worry, he'll get his". I remember soap suds streaming down the back of the Porsche. Skip a sec and we're at the mall parking lot, the mall on the right. What isn't clear is I vaguely recall one or two redneck-types getting out of a truck ahead of us. And that's it.

There are obviously many children/infants that get abused, some even killed, by their parents. Shaken baby syndrome comes to mind. Which then led my thoughts towards another concept, one that these parents just can't grasp, I'm sure. Okay, so for a lot or most cases, I guess (I'm not an expert), it's the constant crying that sets off/aggrivates/frustrates the parent to shake the baby. Well, a quick solution to this question...

 

How do you stop a baby from crying?

 

(breathe, it'll be alright)

 

Shake it 50 times slower.

 

(don't hold it so hard, it's not a baseball bat)

 

Sometimes there are other planets that I wish that I could go to, that I know that are real. Despite the physical boundaries that hold me to these lands, I feel it's only a matter of time before I'll be able to experience what I often dream about, think about. I'm sad right now, depressed, though it's only temporary, I know. But I wish, oh how much I wish, I could just sleep and dream and never wake up. Don't get me wrong, it's not one of those suicidal thoughts. It's more of a loathing, that what goes on inside my thoughts, that the places I can conceive of, are there, but I'll never truly be able to experience them. These places exist, I know it, but human technology has many years to reach the stage that will allow us to travel to, explore these places. Even if I were able to hook myself up to some sort of machine that could relay my thoughts and dreams to other people, to my waking self, I feel I would be dead before such advancements were made. So, as I sit here and write this, I'm brought down farther and farther knowing that these thoughts will be lost forever when I die in the distant future, but a glint of hope exists that these places are really out there. Maybe I will one day be born upon a planet that I have always dreamt about. But at that point, I don't think I would have any recollection of the thoughts that I have had in this life. To me, then, I think I would be dreaming of more surreal places like planet Earth, and how I wish I were here, and not there.

 

Time will tell. A whole lot of it.

so hungover. i finished a song. will post soon.

... I've been gone for a while. Playing maplestory (www.mapleglobal.com) a lot. yeah a LOT. anyways.

I did it again. Why am I so sad. Rrr it's frustrating.

 

Fuck. My head hurts. I can't close my jaw.

Mommy what's wrong with me? I wanna hurt myself and it makes me cry. I can't say anything because it makes me a bad person. WHY? FUCKIN WHY?!?!?@?!

Yeah, it's pretty healed. The new nail is 50% covering what it's sposed to cover, and there's still a sliver of the old nail still attached along the side, so my new nail is malformed. It's weird.

Sunday February 19, 2006. My mom put down Bootsy, our family cat. She was 18.

 

Yes it has.

 

I'll inform you later.

That's essentially what the doctor did. With the aid of my lighter, we put a needle through my nail and for the last 2 days fluid has been draining out this tiny little hole. Sick. Really sick. I may lose 3/4 of my nail, it feels numb.

I crushed my finger in my buddy's car door yesterday. Right now, it seems, the nail wants to be pushed off by the blood slowly collecting underneath it. Sick. Hurts like a bitch.

 

I'm going to the clinic.

Drone Hopping is complete. Check it out at

 

Drone Hopping is almost complete. Coming along nicely. If you want to hear a sample, just ask me via email creator1999@hotmail.com

Well, I couldn't get Adriana up, but whatever. It was me thinking "Happy New Year" and watching Seatlle on the tube. Meh.

 

No resolutions.

 

It's a fresh start.

 

What could go wrong?

 

*dun dun dunnnnn*

Yeah I know. It's not the new year yet, but it will be shortly. Did the new year's thing last night. Tonight, she's sleeping and I'm gonna wake her up 10 mins to midnight and we're gonna... sit here =/

 

Woo.

and people are scarce.

 

I'm doing my New Years thing early with Adriana. We went out to a movie (The Ringer, it was okay) and dinner (Moxie's replaced Popcorn shrimp with "beef"). Just making a song now, then we're off to bed. Gnight.